Stop with the charade. You hate holidays, and I know it.
In fact, you’re going to feel really embarrassed by the end of this.
You could surely find something better to do in minus-30 degree weather then treck to the grocery store–which is inexplicably short on cashiers; as if they had no idea Christmas was happening again this year–so you can spend the second and third weeks of December cooking and baking; only taking a morning off to trample a poor old lady with a glass eye en route to buy 1 of 2 available discounted television “door crashers” that Amazon’s been selling for the same price since July.
Wondering why your significant other bought you a Febreeze candle and “Congratulations on your bar mitzvah!” card for Christmas? It’s because they shopped for you at the nearest gas station on Christmas Eve. Sorry.
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By the way, that “toy of the year” you’re about to suffer through a concussion, broken clavicle, and MCL tear for? Your child will be bored with it by New Years. You’re welcome.
While I’m here, quick message for my cousins’ boyfriend, Chad: No one has ever gotten upset with you for saying, “Merry Christmas”. They’re probably just tired of you yelling about the Starbucks cup not being “Christmasy” enough. Also, it’s cold out, Chad. Enough with the cargo shorts and Tapout t-shirt.
Before experiencing the joys of what is statistically the most stressful time of year, we have Thanksgiving–a holiday born out of genocide and centred on gluttony.
Hey, I love food as much as anyone, but I can eat without a visit from my second cousin, twice removed, who, for the last 24 years has brought up that one time he beat me in NHL 94.
We were 9, Roger. Get over it.
I’m also not against getting together with family, even if I do need my paperback copy of Since Strangling Isn’t An Option to get through my uncle’s yearly defense of “the great Italian”, Christopher Columbus. Also, do you know where you were when you found out James Caan isn’t actually Italian? Of course you don’t. My uncle does, though.
Now you’re going to pull out all the stops to fight me on this, but you’re wrong.
Google “when is the most stressful time of year” and tell me what you find.
Go ahead. I’ll wait.
See? I win.
Hey, maybe you’re a sorcerer who’s able to withstand the onslaught of stress related to family, money, overeating, envy, and lack of routine; but for the rest of us humans, the holidays need a complete overhaul that limits the family gatherings to anyone not named Chad.
Jamie Lee Curtis and the dad from Home Improvement had an opportunity to lead the way by skipping the holidays in Christmas With The Kranks; Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon tried to do the same in Four Christmases.
But in the end (SPOILER ALERT), they all buckled under the pressure of their families and peers; just like you… and just like me. We’re no better than the guy who grunted on Home Improvement or the idiot who dumped Jennifer Aniston.