Many moons ago, when I was but a teenager with a part-time job at a dental office, I was subjected to the unbearable torture of 24/7 Christmas music from Nov 1 to Boxing Day. The radio station responsible for the abuse? The now defunct EZ Rock 97.3. Two months of holiday music is bad enough because there are only so many songs to overplay, but a few popular ditties stand out as The Worst — and despite the fact that I declared them The Worst back in 2002, people continue to play them. So, if you like the following songs, here are the YouTube clips and all the reasons you’re WRONG.
5. Funky, Funky Christmas – New Kids on the Block
Just look at the lyrics. Embarrassing.[video:http://youtu.be/9jf-GVIxy9c]
4. Do They Know it’s Christmas – Band Aid
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It’s bad karma to knock this song too hard because it was produced to raise money for victims of the 1983-1985 Ethiopian famine. The song, which was released in 1984, also gave birth to a successful charity concert and, in later years, cover songs that would also raise funds to fight hunger.
All in all, the song was sung with the best of intentions and raised some much-needed bucks for a big, big problem. Now, 29 years later, the song is old and raising niggling questions about whether famine victims really ever cared to know if it was Christmas time at all. When you haven’t eaten in days and your loved ones are perishing, you probably care little for trees, presents and images of glorious turkey feasts being annihilated by fat western revelers. I admire the ditty’s intentions, I’m just tired of hearing it three times a day.
3. Santa Baby – EVERYONE
This holiday classic, originally sung by Eartha Kitt in 1953 before being covered by 4.2 billion people, is a grating, pseudo-sexy (and apparently ironic) ode to one woman’s obscene materialism (she wanted her sexy Santa to bring her a yacht and some Tiffany’s haul). It’s a slow, jazzy tune annoyingly used by budding lounge lizards and lizardettes to impress fellow students at high school Christmas concerts. It’s a tongue-in-cheek song, but it’s almost always performed in this coquettish, sexy little girl voice that makes me want to scream “STOP TRYING TO MAKE SEXY SANTA HAPPEN!” Santa isn’t sexy.
2. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Frank Loesser and Lynn Garland
This song, once considered an innocuous duet about seduction and the push and pull of desire, is really about a horny dude pestering a woman for sex. She’s trying to leave his house, saying her mother will worry and her father will pace and the neighbours will think she’s a big ol’ whore if she doesn’t get in her car immediately. He’s all like, “oh, but you’ll be cold and there might be ice and let me make you a strong alcoholic beverage and compliment your hair so you’ll stay here and have sex with me.” He then proceeds to make her a drink that makes her go “OMG what’s in this?”
Then he proceeds to basically forbid her from leaving his house.
No Means No.
Bonus video: Ricky J – No Means No[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5lcnj9rrrU]
1. Christmas Shoes – NewSong
This cheesy Christian tearjerker that EVERYBODY LOVES is quite possibly the worst Christmas song of all time. Melodramatic and manipulative, it tells the story of a person who overhears a distraught boy asking a shopkeeper if he can bring his dying mother expensive shoes as her last Christmas gift. The boy cannot afford the shoes, but it’s imperative his mother arrive in heaven dressed to impress. Jesus won’t let her in if she’s wearing some dirty Keds or Wal-Mart slippers. Nope nope nope!
First of all, the song is terribly depressing. The kid’s mother is about to croak and he’s begging for shoes and making everyone in the shop cry. Secondly, the song — while piling on the drama — also asks the listener to be hopeful about this unnamed woman’s fate, as she’s going to meet her maker in some fancy-ass kicks. That just doesn’t seem right.
Thirdly, who wants shoes as their final Christmas gift? Dying people aren’t often walking anywhere — they’re lying down, in bed, dying. Also, getting a material gift to mark your passing seems cruel. Why give someone a gift they’ll never use?
“Oh, these Louboutins are for me? THAT’S NICE OF YOU CONSIDERING I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WEAR THEM BEFORE MY UNTIMELY PASSING THANKS!”
A guy in line behind the boy bought the dying woman her shoes. Merry Christmas.