The company holiday party is a strange beast. Beloved by some and hated by many, it can foster wonderful connections or ruin your professional reputation for at least a month (maybe more if you really act a fool).
Fortunately for you, you can make the best of the annual gathering by following some rules. They’re not necessarily easy to follow because you are only human and a slave to your baser needs, but they’re not impossible either.
Let inhalton show you how to avoid leaving a holiday party in disgrace.
5. Don’t Wear Something Inappropriate
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You probably think I’m telling you to avoid sexy or revealing outfits that imply you’re an unprofessional harlot better suited for the executive suite at Trump Tower (disgusting, never go to Trump Tower) than the boardroom, but that’s not what I’m saying at all. Holiday parties, especially if they’re being held at local convention centres with chandeliers, are absolutely appropriate venues for sexy dresses. I would never judge your sparkly, backless number (unless, of course, it’s ugly). No, don’t go too casual unless the party is being held in your office lunch room on a Friday or at Bad Axe Throwing (I’m going to a Bad Axe holiday party next week and I’m leaving my lace tights at home). Things to avoid when you dress up for Piatto or Topiary’s: Hoodies, running shoes, yoga pants and athletic wear of any kind. You’re a grown ass man or woman and you need to look absolutely stunning so that your co-workers and their spouses remember you as a skilled, interesting, talented and, above all else, beautiful.
4. Don’t Drink Too Much
Unless you’re a teetotaler for personal (you’re a recovering alcoholic), religious (your spiritual leaders frown upon imbibing) or silly (you don’t need alcohol to have fun, you’re drunk on life) reasons, you will drink at your company Christmas party. That’s fine. You should enjoy a glass or two of free cabernet sauvignon because doing so is both classy and wise. We all look more intelligent with glasses of red in our hands and charming burgundy stains on our lips. That said, do not go wild with the social lubricant. Let the booze warm your heart and then switch to water. This is important, because another big no-no is…
3. Don’t Vomit
Once, at a holiday party at a high-end Mississauga restaurant, I saw a co-worker’s husband start double-fisting double rum and cokes before we even sat down for appetizers. He slurred his way through the meal and annoyed everyone. I actually think he fell asleep at the table before running to vomit in the pristine bathroom. You can drink, but you cannot vomit. It’s a bridge too far. You’re not 19 anymore and people will make angry eyes at you. Also, don’t be too free with other people’s money. It’s rude and will compel people to talk behind your back.
2. Don’t Trash Talk
I once went on a drunken rant about how serious women don’t go to nice bars or restaurants in hoodies and people called me on my cruel and judgmental remarks. While I stand by those comments, I am ashamed that people were offended by my inner demons. It can be easy to criticize your boss or co-workers when you’ve had all the artisanal European beer at Stir, but it’s not wise. Save your opinions for your partner or mom.
1. Approach Sex Carefully
Holiday party sex with someone you’re not all that into is never a good idea. It will lead to hurt feelings, embarrassment and remorse. It might be hard to resist the advances of a tipsy intern, but you need to consider the consequences. What happens if this co-worker falls in love with you and begs you to stay for eggs Benedict? What if you see a hook-up as the culmination of months of secret longing, only to be devastated post-coitus when the person you consider your future husband or wife calls you an Uber and tells you he or she wants nothing to do with your smoked salmon eggs Benedict come the morn? What if one or both of you regret the incident? What if you find out that someone has a strange fetish? What if you sweat on their sheets and they demand compensation for their dry cleaning costs? Think long and hard before going home with someone you’re not sure about. Remember, Santa is watching you.